Nintendo gathered a lot of buzz for their new Wii U console, with its tablet-esque controller, while Sony had its new portable, the PS Vita and Microsoft continued to push Kinect. You’ve heard what they were saying, but what were they thinking…
Sony said: “Sorry about the security breach (our bad!), but look at our funky new super-high performance replacement for the PSP, the PlayStation Vita! Not only is it a flashy handheld console, ideally suited to take on our rivals, but it will sync with the cloud so you can transfer your games between the Vita and your PS3. Neat, huh?”
While Sony is thinking: “Damn, Nintendo are moving first on the next generation of consoles? We haven’t even decided which direction to jump on our PS4 yet, and it doesn’t seem likely our new handheld is going to beat out the DS... Nintendo only need to sell another 5 million to pass our PS2 record and become the biggest selling console of all time. And the privacy scandal… just what we needed right now. Frankly, Microsoft having slightly outsold us in the home console market scarcely matters at the moment next to the rather worrying question of how we’re going to regain ground in the hardware market. Anyone got any ideas? Can we copy Nintendo's concept but do it better...?”
Microsoft said: “Kinect! Kinect! It’s fun! It’s new(ish!) It’s doing great, having sold five times as many units as the PlayStation EyeToy! Kinect! Kinect! Oh, and don’t forget, we have Halo 4 with a new developer, but don’t get too excited because we’re not really going to show you anything yet. Don’t forget Kinect! Kinect!”
While Microsoft is thinking: “What the hell do we do now? Can’t risk launching a new console without a really solid direction, and unless the gamers start taking a real interest in Kinect this new controller concept will only take us so far. We’ll look really stupid launching a motion controller at this point – we could rip off Nintendo’s new idea, but surely Sony plans to do that already. At least Sony didn’t announce a home console this year, that buys us some time… it’s not like we need to worry about Vita. We need a really solid idea by next year – any suggestions?”
Nintendo said: “The Wii U – it’s what everyone wants but just doesn’t know it yet! It’s a motion controller… it’s a conventional controller… it’s an ipad… it’s a camera and a microphone all in one! How much would you pay for a console controller like this? No wait, don’t answer yet, because you can’t buy them separately anyway. What you can do is play on your home console as if it was a handheld – neat, eh? So now that our newly upgraded Wii console can finally display graphics in high definition, you won’t have to see them because you’ll be using the 6.2 inch screen on the Wii U instead! Aren’t we awesome!”
While Nintendo is thinking: “Did they swallow it, do you think? We desperately need something to regain the momentum we had with the Wii, and our best bet is stealing an idea from Apple. Maybe we can win the teen gamers over with the possibility of being able to keep playing on the console even after their parents have turfed them off the big screen TV. At least we're still in the driving seat for hardware, and it doesn't look as if our rivals will come up with anything better than our iipad... Fingers crossed, anyway. By the way, has anyone seen the stock prices…?”
Disclaimer: ihobo disavows any claims to the accuracy of its thought translation software.